I was having a conversation with Connie’s brother, Mark today. At one point we began discussing blogging when he suggested I write more about the phone call with my mom at the end of the chapter, “Lost Dazed and Confused”. Therefore, that is where this blog begins.
I called my mom because I honestly had no idea what to do. She was the only person I could think of that could help me at that time because she had already gone through my dad passing away 2 years and 2 months to the date Connie died. Where do I go from here, mom? I asked. She told me to begin making a list of things I needed to do now for the next week. We talked for a little while, and the entire time I was speaking with her, my phone was buzzing with other calls.
I knew there were things that needed to be done however I was so mentally and physically exhausted I could not think straight. I know it had to be the grace of God that helped me through everything. I do not know how I even functioned. I experienced intense grief, hurt, pain and fatigue not to mention the deep aching of my heart and soul.
Everything was a total blur; I could not focus. I had to tell myself to do simple things like eat something, take a shower and brush my teeth. I had no purpose. I felt like I lost everything. The endless stream of tears flooded down my cheeks. It hurt to even breathe. I did not want to see anyone nor did I want to try to be social as I did not have the energy to do so; it just wasn’t in me. Life didn’t pause but continued to march on and reality began to set in.
I eventually remembered to feed the cat. He was clingy because I had not been home much, and he wanted attention that I did not have to give. I knew I had to meet Sam at the funeral home in a few hours so I knew I had to get ready even though I did not want to deal with that.